I’m writing this entry from the comfort of a four-star hotel close to Santa Monica. Speaking of four, it’s been FOUR YEARS since I wrote here. I’m in the process of reading a borrowed book, which has actually inspired me a bit to begin to write again. I spilled a bit of beer on this book (sorry Derrick), hope no one notices. it’s 77 degrees here.
In the four years since I’ve written here, I’ve graduated college, went through a few relationships, built on the already-amazing relationship I have with my brother, began an amazing career path that I hope takes me into my mid-twenties and beyond.
Few things remain the same- I love my brother, my girlfriend, my mother/family, and hip-hop music.
I’ll be back.
I’ve seen many things in my 20 years on this planet. I’ve experienced emotions from all ends of the spectrum. I’ve experienced much success (at 15, I was a state-ranked track and field runner. At 16, I was nominated and went on to win the prom king title for my school. At 17, I graduated high school with a GPA higher than 4.0. At 19, I beat out about 58,000 applicants to become one of the 2,500 accepted into San Diego State University, and one of the few hundred into the Psychology program.) I’ve also experienced just as much failure (I was not able to raise enough money through scholarships to go to my number one school. I had a rough transition from becoming a young boy into young man. And despite all my efforts to become the star child to my mother, all my efforts were shadowed by the success of my older sister.) I’ve seen many relationships form, as well as deteriorate. I’ve seen lives created, and lives taken. I’ve lived to see then end of the cold war, and the beginning of the War on Terror. I’ve seen many many many things.
I’ve seen so many things, that you’d be surprised at the things I haven’t seen. Which is why I’m writing this today. Despite everything I’ve seen in my lifetime, I have yet to see a bond as strong, as durable, and as unique as the one I share with my brother. It’s inexplicable, it’s unparalleled, it’s actually a bit insane. But I love this boy more than life itself. And watching him grow up makes me feel more like a father than a brother, to be honest. Watching him go through the exact same things I was going through at his age, keeps me young, but it also makes me really proud because I know that I’m watching something amazing happen right before my eyes. I’d give anything for him. At the moment, he’s on spring break and he’s staying with me here in San Diego. He’s sleeping on the couch, not too far from where I’m writing this, and as he sleeps and dreams whatever it is that he’s dreaming, I can’t help but to look at him and smile. I adore him. I almost don’t even see him as another person, but rather, an extension of myself. He is a younger me, and watching him develop into a young man makes me proud, because despite everything I’ve seen in my life, I’ve yet to see a bond like ours.
I’m a completely different person from what I was a year ago. I went from young, optimistic, and jubilant to old, pessimistic, and bitter. In the last six months, my car- which was my baby- was taken from me, as was a good friend. A person who cares for me more than most developed cancer, and life in San Diego hasn’t been treating me well at all. Why?
I keep forgetting about this thing. I should probably keep writing in it to keep myself sane, in case I ever have to. Once a week is my goal now. Summer’s almost here!
Maybe this will be one of those things people look at when I become famous… that is, if I become famous. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About the future. About schooling. Jobs. Family. So much in fact, that’s actually worrying me. So I think I need to relax a little bit. These are supposed to be the most fun years of my life. So I’ll worry about the tasks at hand for the moment, and worry about the rest later. That’s what I’ve been doing my whole life, and I’ve gotten along fine until now, who’s to say that it won’t work any further? There’s a lot more to say but I should think a little more, and maybe put some pants on before I go any further. This isn’t a ‘goodbye’ so much as it is a ‘see you in a little.’
Oops. Forgot about this thing. I started this because my friend told me she had a diary. And I wanted something that I could go back to long after I had written, and revisit the emotions and thoughts I experienced at the time. Not writing in it for weeks at a time kind of defeats the purpose. A diary isn’t manly, is it? Doug from Nickelodeon had a journal. But I hope I’m a little more manly than him. Which is why, henceforth, we- and by ‘we’ I mean my readers (I have at least one, I hope) and I- shall call this a Captain’s Log. That sounds nice, right? I guess I’m the only person that actually reads this. So maybe I’m just talking to myself. Either way, if someone reads this eventually, I hope you’re well. I’ll try and think of a new goodbye signature for next time. but for now….
Something out of the ordinary happened just now. My mom, who has a very unpredictable and often rocky relationship with almost everyone did something that surprised me. She walked out into the living room where I was sitting and my stepdad was standing, she wished everyone a happy New Year, and then hugged my stepdad. Maybe this embrace didn’t last as long as I felt, but I was sure that it was the longest hug she had ever given anyone. My stepdad then said, ‘for better or worse.’ And as they move on and proceed to carry on with their days, I remain fixated on that point in time. I don’t really ever see my mom hug anyone, and if she does it’s short. But this one with my stepdad was special- to me at least. Because this rarity gave me hope. They probably won’t remember this hug, but I won’t forget it anytime soon. It’s one of those special moments in time that takes you away, and puts a smile on your face. .. or maybe it’s just me? I don’t know.